VALHALLA

So, for you violence-mongers who claim constantly on the Interweb to not be able to wait to get to Valhalla (because you’re a “warrior” of some repute), some things that you might consider:

1. You will actually have to fight…consistently, violently, and forevermore upon arrival…unlike your real perceived LARPing life.

2. You have to die violently, murdered or killed barbarically in this life to get there.

3. There will most likely be few women, pacifists, or calm rational people there so you’ll be surrounded by other Neanderthalic boneheads that will trying to bludgeon, dismember, and mutilate you for the rest of eternity.

4. You will be sent there at the whim of some all-powerful being’s whimsical gameplaying and entertainment before he gets tired and obliterates you out of boredom.

5. You have to be chosen to go there by being one of the bravest and most talented – not just anybody who considers themselves a “warrior” or alpha male is admitted.

6. Your fate was thought to have been decided long before the battle even commenced at the hands of Odin and the Valkyries. Chess pieces on a moving board.

7. Valhalla was in a constant state of war where violence, conflict, damage, and aggression were the norm. After a life filled with said traits, I think I want to rest peacefully in my afterlife.

As with real violence, I don´t think people that talk about “meeting others in Valhalla” in the afterlife really know of what they insinuate. As much as I try to avoid real-time violence in my current life, of which I have only one, so to is it prudent to avoid talking about the same in some kind of spiritual haven for

I don´t know where I´m going in any afterlife, if anywhere, but I do know that if I have to spend eternity with a demographic of people, it´ll be with loved ones in a peaceful non-glorified setting, not a battlefield where Neanderthals, violence-mongers, fetishists, keyboard-warriors, predators, and shit-talkers correlate. Had enough of that in real-life, thanks very much.

Have at ‘er, not in.

2 thoughts on “VALHALLA”

  1. Rigo here.
    Well i don’t know, mate, that does’nt really click with me.
    While i love my wife and my boy dearly, i can’t understand the urge in me that tends to violence. I feel most alive when i was brawling someone, and life now is pale compared to what it was once. Today is 4th of july 2022, and i still can remember when i had my last barroom brawl, that was on 13th of april 2014. If this is’nt addictive behaviour, remembering that shit after 8 years, what is then?
    Back than, i emptied a bar with all in there, customers, waiters, everything. They sent me a year to jail (if someone tells you he is a fighter and never was in jail, he’s either lying or a cop), and my wife told me, that was the last time she was waiting for me, if i did’nt change my behaviour, and so i did. And since then, i feel like living my life vicariously.
    I stopped drinking, wich helped a lot. Still, sometimes i feel, if i does’nt get to punch someone, my brain goes nuclear and come out my ears.
    Don’t get me wrong, i don’t looking for trouble with smaller man, they should be as big as me and fighters of reputation, or at least three or more of them . I am not interested in handling lightweights.
    What i found is, i won’t go to hell in my afterlife, because i am already here. Having a daytime job, serving the machine, kissing the ass of a boss and gossipping about co-workers, that is hell already. Give me valhalla all day compared to the shit i go through. May be i can find finally someone there who can lick me in a street fight.
    You are one of my smartest friends, Darren, your brain has to be as big as my ass at least, but you got it wrong here, at least for little old me.

  2. I get that and anyone is always welcome to disagree as these are all only viewpoints at the end of the day. I think where we CAN agree is that, for the most part and online, the majority of people we hear talking about “Valhalla” have gotten most of their experience from watching a Bourne or Wick movie. I don´t think many have actually experienced any real sort of violence from the safe suburbs they live in and then hearing how much they pray for a chance to show off their wares in some mythical hall of warriors is kinda´ the same to me as some guy telling me he´s going to kill me as he´s backing up and asking his wife to hold him back. 🙂

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